in search of normalcy

I am sitting on my second of three flights back "home" to Anchorage and I am watching a lightning storm take place over Omaha, Nebraska. I see a magnificent bolt of red-orange lightning strike the ground, and am inspired to write. It is currently 7:55p at my next destination: Seattle. I won't be arriving in Alaska until almost 2:30 in the morning (Alaska time).

The trip back to Alaska for me has been one filled of great unrest. I re-read the book "The Tao of Pooh", hoping that it would put my mind and stress at ease. It has helped a bit, but I still feel so tense, jittery, distressed.

The trip home was stressful for me from the outset. What should have been approximately a 13 hour or so trip quickly became one that lasted more than 21 hours. From there on out I felt non-stop goings-on. I wish that I had more time to sit down with my Mom and talk about things person to person, face to face. The time we came closest to that was as I was trying to over-stuff my 77.5 pound, $150.00 surcharge suitcase, packing up summer clothes, books, my dvd and vcr players and Condorman. Packing did not last long and was not conducive to eye contact or deep conversation...and there was no wine involved, when there should've been. I think that if I were to have regrets about this trip home, not spending that quality time with my Mom would be the one.

Alyssa's wedding was absolutely wonderful. She looked more beautiful than I have ever seen her before. She was simply glowing all day. It was her day, and I am still just so genuinely happy for her. The day flew by; the ceremony was short and sweet. It literally brought tears to my eyes (they didn't fall!). The joyous occasion was shared by 146 wedding guests of Alyssa and Tim's choice and everyone seemed glad to be there and in good spirits for the occasion. 

I will never forget that day: June 7, 2008. I have tons of pictures from the wedding rehearsal and dinner, and from us bridesmaids getting our hair done at John Russell Studio (mad props to the ladies there, by the way - they were AWESOME and I think I speak for all of us when I say THANK YOU for your help!!)

I did not break out my camera at all during the rest of the wedding day, which for any of you who know me, is quite unusual. Instead of attempting to capture the moments, I was trying to live the moments. Something that I am not accustomed to and felt weird doing. At least a dozen times (until the alcohol took over), I was wishing there was someone right there getting "this" moment, or "that" moment. These little things that I saw around me going on. Until I watch the wedding footage, that Katie so kindly documented for us (thank you!!!!), and until I see the wedding proofs from the photographer, I will only have the memories and the emotions of those moments felt, to last and remember.

Leading up to the wedding day was emotional and stressful. Since my arrival in Alaska, I have noticed that it does not take much to make me happy. I stress very little and I enjoy every activity that I am able to partake in. I do not yet know what it is about being home again that caused so much stress and duress during my entire trip. As time goes on and I am able to reflect more upon the situation perhaps and answer will come to me.

But for now, I think it was the wide range of many emotions I was trying to tackle and handle happening all at once: being home for the first time in three months. I don't know when I will be back to Whitman again; my true home. My kid sister is getting married...for real. She is the first of us sisters to give herself to love. She is no longer a "Hall". She now has a husband. I now have a brother-in-law. New territory for me. I want to hang out with as many people as I possibly can while home...just not a possibility. Being at the wedding I was able to see many, many people all at once, which was wonderful. What a blur. That, and I did not do enough dancing...yes, I had had that much to drink to get me to the point where I was wanting to get on the dance floor...

The list of people that I was able to see (hope I don't miss anyone although I am sure that I will; my apologies in advance)...beginning, of course, with my family and our long-time family friends Loreen and Chris Walker, from England, who made the incredible trip to Whitman for Alyssa's wedding. From there I was able to see Suzy, Frank, Jeff, Janis, Rene, Maureen, Liz, Ashley, Kayla, Dennis Reagan, Bob Rooney, Edie and Jim, John, Laurie and Shawn, Warren, Dick and countless others of the Millie's persuasion. And then of course, there was the Video Visions crew. Doug, as always, so good to see you; you looked grand. Tim and kristy: bravo to such a booming business! I'm glad to know you both, as you both have good hearts, are a lot of fun, and have a great sense of humor. Thanks for lunch!! Also joining us at lunch was photog Mike...we had a good time! Elaine at Venus - you look great!! I can't wait to stop by and say hello again. At Jamie's, I was fortunate enough to see some classmates of mine, JR, Zac and Dan (whose sister also got married last weekend, congratulations Dan!). I'm glad that we were able to chat for a few minutes, and I will address that conversation in a future blog.

Moving on to wedding celebrations, I was able to spend time with the wedding party, and Tim's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Simard. Thank you to Maureen and Moe for the rehearsal dinner at Bella's in Rockland. It was a wonderful time, the company was grand and the food was fantastic. Thank you so much! And of course it was wonderful to see all of the wedding guests on the big day. There are unfortunately way too many names for me to state here, but please know that our family was honored and derived great pleasure in your presence on such an important day in our lives. Thank you.

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Before continuing on my rant of what it was like being back home again, I'd like to mention that I was honored that Alyssa had hasked me to speak at their wedding reception. At the bottom of this post you'll find the speech. I hope it makes sense enough to most of you. And i hope that what I was trying to convey about Alyssa and Tim's wedding occasion was adequately expressed. Feedback is appreciated.

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Wedding aside, I was able to spend some much cherished time with Paul, Tim and Kendra, Mike and Ryan, at JJ's. Man, it was so completely refreshing to spend just that short while together with all of you. A person couldn't ask for better friends or more laughs or good times. Thank you.

Being able to spend a short while at the Blauss' home was nice and brought back some fond memories, as well; too bad there wasn't time for a game of Risk, although we couldn't have played without Nathaniel there to share it with. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Blauss, for letting Paul and I drop by unannounced like that. It was great to see you both looking so well!!

And Angela, thanks for the haircut!! I'll wait as long as I can to get my hair styled by you again. I really appreciate the work you do and our growing relationship., it's a lot of fun!

My trip was so packed with activities and emotions, and so sleep deprived that I truly apologize if I missed mentioning someone's name. All around it was really nice to see so many people, but as I begin to reflect upon the experience, I wonder if I was able to enjoy it as much as I could have. Especially since it ended with me rushing out the door worried about the traffic heading in to Boston, as I changed my entire flight schedule at the last minute when I discovered that my first flight was delayed, which would have led me to arriving in Anchorage later than previously planned, throwing off plans for a work meeting the next morning. Thank you very much to Squirty and Craig for the rides to and from Logan. And Happy One Year Anniversary! It is great to see you both so happy and the love that you have for each other.

Currently flying over South Dakota. Feeling a little more "normal" after typing all of this and getting a few of the many emotions I was feeling off of my shoulders. There are several other thoughts and experiences that are weighing on my mind. A couple that will never be read by any of you, and a couple that will. I wonder what would happen if I had the audacity to post it all...? There would be some shocking material in there for some of you, I think.

What trip. I hope Alyssa and Tim are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon in the Grand Caymans!

Wedding Rehearsal and Dinner:

Hair and Makeup at John Russell Studio:

Temperature update: 50 degrees and cloudy in Anchorage. 81 degrees and sunny in Whitman.

Whitman trivia: Whitman was originally settled as the "Little Comfort" section of Bridgewater.

Emails to return: 25

Phone calls to return: 5

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Wedding Words:

So, Alyssa called me up a month or so ago and proposed a question to me that I never expected, as I thought she was a little bit smarter than this...and I still don't know what the heck she was thinking. She asked me to speak at her and Tim's wedding reception. My first reaction was laughter, and I laughed hard. I could not believe that she would take such a gamble on the happiest day of her life. What in God's good name was she thinking??

Let me give you a little background as to my reaction to her question.

Growing up the three of us sisters, Marianne, Alyssa and myself, did not get along that great. We felt the need to make each other as miserable as possible, if for no other reason than we did not have much else to do, seeing that we were not allowed videogames, did not have a decent cable tv package, and were locked outdoors during the summer months, fending for ourselves during the innocent and glorious days of childhood spent in the quaint little town of Whitman. You know, those good ole days when parents used to tell their children to stay outside and not to come home until the streetlights came on.

I won't detail every torture I put Alyssa through, but there are several anecdotes that I would like to touch upon, beginning with my parents being forced to move me out of the bedroom that Alyssa and I shared whenI was 5 and Alyssa was 3, because I would keep her up all night talking and tormenting her because I couldn't get to sleep. So I got moved to the spare bedroom...allowing Alyssa to have nights full of blissful slumber and allowing myself nights full of making new friends with inanimate objects. Glorious.

And then one time I thought itw as a good idea to play hairdresser...my Mother was out of town visiting a friend in Maine, so being in the care of my Father I apparently thought it was a good idea, considering I had a lot of freedom, to get away with more than my typical daily torture sessions. So, beginning with Alyssa's long blonde hair, I was able to give her her first set of bangs and short little bob...not to mention my own.

When Alyssa got old enough to fend for herself, she exploited the bad habit I had of biting my fingernails. She has always been the blonde little Barbi doll of the family, and that meant that she always had all of her fingernails. That was her only defense to my brute strength that would bully her and Marianne when they would gang up on me. Let me tell you, once Alyssa latched on to my skin there was no telling when she would let go. And when eventually her talons did release, there was blood. I still have a couple of scars somewhere underneath this awful fake tan somewhere...

Then there was the time that Alyssa got brought home by the cops. She was out drinking with a friend of hers at the time, indulging in copious amounts of adult beverages...at age 19...thinking the entire time that he friend was being true to his designated driver status. That, howevver, was not the case. The pair were pulled over in Whitman center and consequently Alyssa was escorted by the Whitman Police to our home early that morning. I continue to thank her for that, for the next day I decided was a good tim for me to tell my Mom about my new belly button ring...she was too frazzled by Alyssa, her golden child, to care much about a simple piercing that her eldest daughter had brought home.

Fast forward to our college careers and our relationship was slowly eeking closer. I actually visited Alyssa at neighboring Southern New Hampshire University, just under an hour away from Franklin Pierce. I got to know a few of her new friends and while Alyssa and I seemed to be a little awkward at first around each other, as we were feeling out the direction of our new relationship, I think it felt as good for her as it did for me. Finally, we were on the cusp of our sisterhood becoming a friendship.

Around the same time we were forging through this new territory, Alyssa began dating this guy Tim. I don't recall too much of when I first met Tim or what my first impression of him was, but honestly I don't think it matters much right now, especially because that man that Alyssa grew to Love is here with us tonight..

So throughout our college experiences the relationship that Alyssa and I have has grown to a full-blown friendship. We would do anything for each other, and I know Marianne is an important ingredient in our family recipe, as well. If nothing else, the three of us have each other.

Like the time just last year when I was on one of my nice little visits to Alyssa and Tim's apartment in Manchester...there was of course a little bit of drinking involved at one of their friends' homes and at the end of the night I was crashing on Alyssa and Tim's couch. Why I couldn't have just taken the extra effort to open up the sleeper sofa, I'll never know, but thank goodness Tim likes me...I think. What was supposed to be a one night's stay turned into three of four days. When I awoke that next morning  I couldn't move and was in excruciating pain should I try to move my head in any direction. I had slept the entire night in the exact same position, with my head awkwardly angled on the edge of the couch arm rest, with no pillow. After several phone calls to the doctors, two trips to the pharmacy and one trip to the Elliott Hospital Emergency Room, I was on my way to recovery from a neck sprain. Alyssa and Tim were stuck with me sleeping on their pullout couch unmoving and drugged up while they went to work. Their patience and hospitality are unmatched! They took great care of me those few days...and they had a few laughs in the process...

How humbling to go from being kicked out of our bedroom at 5 years old, to being confined to Alyssa and Tim's apartment at age 16. Karma's a bitch.

So here we all are today on this day of celebration. Two long engagement years in the making.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what a wedding is really all about. What it stands for. Why we are all here. Why all the hoopla, planning, money, effort, stress, etc, for just one, single day.

This is my conclusion:

Each one of you, by being here in this room today, testify that you believe in True Love. That you believe in this couple's True Love.

Alyssa and Tim. Look around this room. The 146 people you see before you are your closest and most true members of your family and friends.

We are all one family right now - one family. These people are all here because they believe in you, Alyssa. And in you, Tim. Your relationship. Your Love. These people will share in your long journey together of joys and happiness, and will support you and be there for you during times of hardship.

True Love.

Now, what is a wedding toast without a couple of quotes? ...from the movie "The Princess Bride". 

Westly, the hero states: "Hear this now: I will always come for you"

The Princess Buttercup says: "But how can you be sure?"

Westly: "This is true love - you think this happens every day?"

A wedding is a celebration and bears symbols of True Love. The vows, exchanging of rings, the union of two families, and the union of two souls. In this world Love is often brushed aside, undervalued and forgotten.

"Someone you love, and would do anything for, and someone who loves you and would do anything for you. And in that love, nothing is required for either person, because everything is already given. You love them more than anything in the world and could not live without them".

That is the definition of "Soul Lovers". That is what Alyssa and Tim are. ANd to have every one of you all here today, in support of Alyssa and Tim's True Love for one another is a very, big, deal. June 7, 2008 is not just an excuse to party, an excuse to raise your glasses, a reason to acknowledge how much fun and how comforting it is to be around close family and friends.

Today is Tim and Alyssa's day. Their special day to celebrate and infinitely express their Love for one another. Their souls are connected through their True Love, the greatest and strongest of emotions.

When this night is complete, the wedding celebration finished, and their honeymoon is over...that is not the end. Their "end" does not exist. Tonight, every time one of the 146 people in this room smile, it is for Alyssa and Tim. Because they, and their True Love, lives on in our smiles.

So, if you would all please raise your glasses, and your smiles: to Alyssa and Tim and today's celebration of their True Love.