For Mama Birch...who has seen snow before...

Apparently I need to update this thing more frequently!!  That's a good thing - that means it's being read. Thank you  :)

Well, today is as good a day as any to talk about. Normally I try to post about positive happenings. I knowingly ignore and neglect to write about many of the struggles that I've faced since being here. My blog isn't here to be my wining post; I don't want it to become a complaint factory. Nor do I want it to become a cause of worry for some people back home. I realize that not everything in life is grand and glorious, there will always be ups and downs, good with the bad, insert other appropriate cliches here... Clinging cautiously here to my journalism background, here's a day of truth about my downs. 

This morning I arrived to work at the sometimes usual time of 9am. It's April 14th and the NPPA Quarterly Clip Contest submissions are due. This contest judges your work against other photographers/editors throughout your region, on a quarterly timetable. Based upon the whirlwind transitions I've been going through, which by the way feel like going through the entire cycles of puberty and menopause at the same time in just two months... I am nowhere near ready technically or psychologically to be submitting for this contest. I don't think this was evident to people based upon the course of events from this morning. 

Because we were all submitting to the contest last minute, everyone was rushed trying to quickly snag the best of their stuff from the past four months to get it onto tape in time to be in the mail postmarked with today's date. My boss was walking briskly from edit bay to edit bay, from one end of the newsroom to the other, getting everything ordered and together. He's a crafty fellow, for as he is multitasking and walking briskly, he is asking me what I want to submit (assuming the sale, if you will). I decline to enter anything this quarter and am immediately told that "I should" and "why not", to which I reply "I don't have anything worth submitting", to which he replies "you have to make the other guys work for their points". Well, as one can imagine, this went back and forth a bit. Finally, because I don't want to disappoint nor do I want to become the black sheep, I struggle to find two stories to add to the bunch. Neither of those stories were ones that I was proud of. In fact, I don't think I've done any stories that I am proud of. I'm glad that I'm getting better and learning something new every day, but there is not one story that I feel solid about. I know that part of this is me being hard on myself. Another part of it is that I'm just not there yet. Plain and simple. I didn't want to enter, period. 

Now for whatever reason this happened, I honestly couldn't tell you. I'm still shocked at how I felt after this showdown.  I immediately got into a strong funk. And man, I shot like CRAP today. My psyche just took a complete nosedive and I struggled the rest of the day (and still am actually) to get my mental state back to where it was when I first arrived at the station this morning. It's the oddest thing that happened. It was like the whole scenario of submitting work that I was not comfortable with to be judged regionally just tore down whatever confidence I had been able to build up to at that point...and I'm still trying to get it back. Is any of this making sense at all...?  I don't understand it. 

With the exception of most of Saturday, the entire weekend I was itching to get back to work. I was bored and lonely and just wanted to be doing something worthwhile to me. And that meant being at work. I even had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was looking forward to what today was going to throw at me.

Maybe that's what it was - I had worked myself up all weekend to just get back to work, that when something at work happened that I hadn't planned on, something other than working with a reporter, shooting or editing, I crumbled...?  Isn't that weak?  If not, what is it?  What happened? I'm telling you my excitement and enthusiasm was just gone for the entire day. Even just talking on the phone with a good friend of mine this evening was a forced good mood. I didn't feel right - I didn't feel quite myself.

I hated it.

I need to be more resilient than this. I need to suck it up. I need to move on. Things like this cannot affect the work I need to be producing. I'm a weakness on the photography staff and a pothole on their trail of excellence. I can't let this happen again. It is mind over matter. 

I've had one other mental funk since I've been here that was close to being this strong. Other than that I've had little ones here and there that I know are just homesickness. I think the big difference with today was that it was a direct, work-related issue.

I don't know what to call this one.

With all of that out in the open now, I'd like to say that I do want to actively be a part of the Quarterly Contest. I think it is truly worthwhile and a good way to gauge the work I'll be producing. I'm looking forward to being at a point next quarter where I will be submitting and feeling comfortable doing so. Should be fun!!          

...if this post is a newscast, that was the kicker.

Temperature update:  37 degrees and mostly sunny; feels like 31 degrees

Alaska trivia: The Alaska Highway was originally built as a military supply road during World War II

Today's sunset: 9:21p - Tomorrow's sunrise: 6:37a

My next post will be another example of the struggle of mind over matter.